


Qui vive?

by actualsatan



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: ADHD, Angst, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Closeted Character, Depression, Lovesickness, M/M, Reckless Behavior, Sleeplessness, Suicidal Thoughts, thoughs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 18:16:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6968569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actualsatan/pseuds/actualsatan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Jiyong's mind and he thinks whatever the fuck he wants. But most of the time his mind thinks whatever the fuck it wants without Jiyong's permission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Qui vive?

**Author's Note:**

> Angst drabble. Soz.

It's not until Seunghyun leaves that Jiyong realize how much he loves him. It doesn't matter if he leaves to go to the toilet or if he goes away for weeks for a drama, but every minute spent apart from him makes Jiyong bleed love.   
He can't focus. He gets fidgety and nervous, unable to sit still.   
He smokes, probably too much for his own good. Definitely too much for his own good, but he doesn't want to acknowledge it.   
He texts. Nothing of relevance, just random things he thinks of.   
He also calls. Not necessarily Seunghyun, but most likely. Talks nonsense about shit he never remembers afterwards.   
He makes cryptic updates on social media, waiting for his fans to figure out what he means. Someone might be on the right track, but nobody ever figures it out. Not completely.   
He lies down on the floor and gives up on life, sighing heavily every 30 seconds or so for 10 minutes or however long time it takes for him to get bored and do something else.   
He also stalks Seunghyun’s Instagram, staring at the art and the selfies that makes up most of his account.   
He attempts to copy Seunghyun's favourite artists, trying to draw himself like Bacon or Murakami would. He's never pleased with the results. Maybe because he sucks at drawing, maybe because he's self critical. Most likely because it's not good enough for Seunghyun.  
He crawls into his bed and hides under the covers. He thinks if he's lucky enough he might drift off to sleep, but he's never lucky.   
He goes outside to walk in the middle of the night, roaming aimlessly without direction. He’s clingy on his friends, sitting close, touching. Sometimes he does all of that and even more at the same time. Sometimes he doesn't sleep for days because he’s just bleeding love.   
But it's always Seunghyun.   
Jiyong wouldn't call himself a romantic but when it comes to Seunghyun he's very romantic. But only when he's not present. Jiyong hates himself for never telling him. But he's too scared.   
He's not scared of rejection, because it's not like it can get worse. No, he’s scared of what would happen if Seunghyun for some reason felt the same. He's scared of the possibility of a mutual liking and then an eventual break up. Because Jiyong can't be friends with his exes. It doesn't work out. And the thought of Seunghyun being his ex is way worse than anything else.  
He could probably even handle the older man leaving him in this state, because that means he did something to make Seunghyun not want his friendship anymore and that's something Jiyong can handle. You can always build up a friendship again. Especially if it's because of a misunderstanding, which it almost always is. But the thought of Seunghyun growing out of love, going cold and heartless towards him is unbearable. No, he couldn't handle that. He can’t take that finality that is “he's my ex”. That makes it impossible to ever go back to what they were before. Jiyong won't have that. 

He sighs and rubs his face. He hates these nights.   
He's on the floor again, unnerved and fidgety. He's been more or less chain smoking since 10pm and it’s nearly 3am now and he lets out a groan that turns into a scream that dies out into a whine. Then he stubs out his cigarette in the ashtray that's overflowing with butts and ash.  
He reaches for his package only to find it empty. They're all empty.   
He groans again and rolls over, facing the floor. He lies like that for a while before he gets up, glances down at his messed up notes. He wrote on the floor again because he ran out of paper. Sure, he could've just got up and get a new notebook but when he gets these creative boosts he doesn't do shit like that because they ruin his flow. Just looking away from the paper ruins his flow. That's why he writes on the floor. Sometimes he writes on himself or one of his friends.   
Youngbae's golden brown canvas has fallen victim for Jiyong's pen more times than either of them can remember. He wrote what later became Stay With Me on Youngbae's soft back when they were coming home drunk after spending the night first in each other's arms, then out with friends and then back in each other's arms.   
Jiyong loves Youngbae in a million ways and each and every day he finds a new thing to love. He could never love him like he loved Seunghyun though. He knows Youngbae would never leave him and it's not like they're in love, they just love each other in every single way. They don't label their relationship, they don't need to, because all that matters is that they have each other. Without Youngbae in his life, Jiyong would've been dead a million years ago.  
When he first moved out from home. When he got signed as a trainee. When he got placed in Big Bang. When he got his first negative comment online. When he realized he liked boys more than girls. When he realized he was in love with Seunghyun. Youngbae was always there. Youngbae was the reason he was still alive.   
He snaps out of his thoughts and walks towards the door, checking so he has his wallet, keys and phone with him. He does.   
He puts on sunglasses even though it's 3am and dark outside.   
Wking through the darkness he praises himself for living in Seoul, because even though it's 3 in the fucking morning, the closest convenient store is open 24/7. It takes Jiyong less than five minutes to walk there.   
Roaming the aisles he gets more than just cigarettes. Not because he needs it but just because he can. He ends up buying five packages of instant ramen, an ice cream, two bananas, a brand of miso he's never tried before, a bag of kit kat, a neat little bundle of four notebooks in four different sizes, and another loaf of cigarettes.   
He regrets his shopping as soon as he exits the store. He has a million of these exact notebooks at home, he hates bananas, he's definitely not in the mood for ice cream and he's so done with instant ramen. He groans and opens his cigarettes, taking out one pack, putting it in his pocket. He sighs and starts to walk with the plastic bag in his hand and the other in his pocket, fingers fiddling with the plastic on the cigarette package. He's not sure where he's going but he's not going home.   
He comes about as far as another additional ten minutes from the convenience store, then he sighs again and stops, lights a cigarette and heads back home. He's too restless to walk.   
No, he's not restless, he's bleeding love. He wish he had some way to stop the bleeding. 

He's not in the mood to talk to anyone, he realize when his phone buzz. It's a text from Seungri. He ignores it and sits down on the porch to his house. He smokes two more cigarettes outside and then he walks back inside and gets a coughing fit as he lights yet another cig. He stubs it out on the overflowing ashtray on the living room floor.   
He should really stop smoking. He knows it but he's too much for everyone without the nicotine calming him. He sometimes wishes he could see someone for his problems but he's already labeled a problematic child and going to a psychiatrist wouldn't help with that.   
He goes to get himself a glass of whiskey instead, still desperate for something to keep his mind off of Seunghyun. He downs the glass and sits down on the floor, taking off the sunglasses.   
Sometimes Jiyong wishes he was normal. That he didn't feel everything a million times stronger than everyone else. He wishes that he wouldn't have chosen the path of a celebrity, even though that is what he was born to do. He wishes he could be just Jiyong.   
Jiyong that has a plain life. Jiyong that works the same time everyday. Jiyong that dresses in simple clothing. Jiyong that goes to bed by eleven and wakes up by five. Jiyong that lives in a medium large apartment with his long term girlfriend. Jiyong that has never dyed his hair. Jiyong that doesn't have closer to 10 million followers on Instagram. Jiyong that doesn't know how to sing or write or compose. Jiyong that is just an average, normal human being.  
Most of the times he doesn't wish this. He's thankful for his life. He's thankful for his friends. He's thankful for his fans. But sometimes it's too much. He wish he could turn it off. Just sometimes.   
Sure, he can ignore social media and lock himself away, like he's doing now, but that doesn't stop his brain. His brain keeps working on over capacity. Making him feel like he's going to die from it sometimes. Working so fast that he's able to see sounds and hear colour.   
He sighs again and picks up his phone from his pocket and reads Seungri’s text.   
He's probably drunk. Out with friend. Jiyong is pretty sure he's in Japan. Not entirely, but almost certain. One can never be completely sure where Seungri is.   
Sometimes Jiyong isn't even sure Seungri himself knows where he is all of the times. Seungri is very around and about. He's everywhere, all the time. Jiyong is certain the kid suffers from some kind of hyperactivity syndrome, but then again, he's pretty sure he does too.   
Jiyong and Seungri are very alike, Jiyong just learned how to control himself. But he knows Seungri's brain works just like his own. He's never able shut down properly, there are always things keeping him distracted from sleeping. Be it friends or projects or just random thoughts.  
Jiyong recognize himself in Seungri. That's why he cares about him so much. They all care a lot about Seungri but sometimes he can get too much. He's quite often too much. And then Jiyong is the only one who has energy enough to stand him. His tracks are stable enough to hold Seungri’s train of thoughts.   
Sometimes he can even calm him. Not always, but sometimes. He's proud of both Seungri and himself when he can make the younger man relax and take it easy. Maybe even sleep. The secret to make Seungri relax, Jiyong realized pretty fast, is to scratch his scalp, distract him with a movie and something to fiddle with. Drawing, Rubik's cubes or stress balls. Anything to keep his hands occupied.   
Jiyong sometimes massage his hands, that keeps them both occupied with something and they relax against each other. More than once have they fallen asleep like that.   
Jiyong is glad he has Seungri. There are things not even Youngbae understands about him, and those are the things Seungri gets. Quirks they share, pulling them closer. Jiyong is glad to know there's someone like him in his little pack of friends. Without Seungri he wouldn't have learnt so much about himself.   
He doesn't reply to his message though, pretending to be asleep even though they both know he's not. He puts down his phone and then stares out into the blank space, just sitting there.   
He remembers his ice cream in the plastic bag from the store and decides to eat it, finding it a bit soft but not entirely melted. As he's eating his ice cream he decides to stalk Seunghyun's Instagram.  
He's posted a lot of pictures of Daesung and Jiyong's heart takes a leap. He's a little bit jealous of Daesung because he's flawless in every way. And he's good enough for Seunghyun.   
Daesung is gentle. Daesung is funny. Daesung is beautiful. Daesung is healthy. But most of all Daesung is not fucked up.   
He falls into his pits of self loathing and depression sometimes but just as fast as they trap him he's already climbed out and continued onwards.   
Nothing can stop Daesung. He's like the sun with his amazing personality and smile that can kill a man. Jiyong thinks that if he wasn't in love with Seunghyun he would have been in love with Daesung.   
Daesung with his full lips. Daesung with his pretty eyes that disappear when he smiles. Daesung with his chocolate abs. Daesung with his extreme body control. Daesung with his soft, slightly hoarse voice.   
Daesung is the picture example of perfection and Jiyong knows it. He knows that even though he, for some stupid reason, has more fans he will never be as popular as Daesung. Daesung has probably ten times more friends than Jiyong.   
Jiyong knows it's probably not true, but sometimes he feels like his acquaintances and friends are only friends with him because he's famous and that his closer friends are only his friends because they have to or because they feel as for him. The only one he's positive likes him no matter what is Youngbae. Just because he was with him before everything.   
Daesung on the other hand could probably befriend a rock and make it stay in contact because it wanted to. He is fantastic. And of course Jiyong is jealous of him.   
Out of the four others Daesung is the closest with Seunghyun and has always been. People use to joke that they are like a married couple and inseparable. Jiyong is fairly sure they have done both this and that together. Of course he’s not angry with Daesung for being close and intimate with Seunghyun. It is completely his own decision to not approach Seunghyun. Not Daesung's.   
But it still doesn't ease his jealousy. But he's just stupid.   
He finish his ice cream and picks up his phone again, unable to sit motionless.   
It's an endless loop.   
Jiyong's entire life is an endless loop. He tries to relax himself and sometimes it works just fine, sometimes he gets even more fidgety. If he absolutely has to sit still even though he's wound up he will force himself to do it and then he will go do something reckless and possibly borderline dangerous.   
Like going partying and ending up doing drugs. Marijuana calmed him within seconds and made him able to sleep well, but of course he couldn't rely on weed to calm him.   
Sometimes he did cocaine. That also calmed him but in completely different ways and he didn't quite like it, but at least his brain stopped working on over capacity.   
More than once had he jumped down on the tracks on the nearest train station, chuckling as he watched the time tick by second by second as he waited for the train and just in the right moment get off of the tracks and watch the train roar in on the station.   
Jiyong isn't suicidal, but he wouldn't care if he died. He wouldn't be alive to regret it, but he also doesn't feel like there's anything he missed doing. He's already conquered the world. He's seen it all, he's done it all. He's looping. He's not even 30 and he's already bored. Bored of life. How sad is that, really?   
He let his mind go, allows himself to think of Seunghyun.   
Seunghyun is also bored with life but in his own way. Seunghyun isn't hyperactive. Sometimes Jiyong thinks he's the opposite. Seunghyun is also trapped in his own mind though. Not for the same reason as Jiyong. No, Seunghyun just has trouble expressing himself. He's stuck with his thoughts.   
Jiyong likes to watch Seunghyun when he's deep in thoughts. He gets this adorable little wrinkle between his eyebrows and he pouts his lips in a way that hides his upper lip against his bottom one. Jiyong knows this because he watches Seunghyun a lot.   
He sighs and opens Seunghyun's Instagram again. He's deleted the pictures of Daesung and Jiyong sighs again. He's never the target for Seunghyun's embarrassing spamming. It's mostly Seungri, maybe because Seunghyun likes his reactions and he's a little in love with Seungri’s laughter. In all honesty, they're all a little in love with Seungri's laughter. It's contagious.   
Second is Daesung. Sometimes, but not often at all, is Youngbae. Jiyong has never been the target. Not like the rest. He's not sure if he likes that or not. He's safe from embarrassment, but he's also a little hurt because of it. He feels less valuable. Maybe Seunghyun think he gets enough of his time anyways. It wouldn't surprise Jiyong at all.   
Jiyong realize, when he thinks of Seunghyun in this way, that if someone could read his mind, they would think Seunghyun ignored him or even avoided him. He has to laugh out loud at that revelation, laying down flat on the floor again. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's to hide how pathetic he feels. Probably both.   
Seunghyun loves Jiyong. Not like Jiyong loves Seunghyun, but they're definitely best friends. Jiyong knows a lot of things about Seunghyun that nobody else knows. Not even Daesung.   
Jiyong is grateful for having Seunghyun in his life too, even if he cause him a lot of pain. It's not exactly Seunghyun's fault.   
Jiyong is just very passionate. He feels a lot.   
Sometimes, but just sometimes, he's glad he's like this. His life would be a million times more boring than it already is if it wasn't for his overactive brain and heart big enough for six elephants.   
Jiyong chuckles again.   
“Curse you, Kwon Ji Yong,” he whispers to himself.   
He stretches out on the floor, yawning. He's going to fall asleep right here and he's not going to be happy about it tomorrow, but if he miss this calm wave he's never sure when the next one is coming. So he relaxes onto the floor, the bag of instant noodles under his head.   
And he falls asleep like that, his mind calm for once.


End file.
